As many of you know, Christine and I and a bunch of other GCNers (along with plenty of others) will gather in Irvine, CA for the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. Exodus is also having their conference during much of the same time about a mile away. Both conferences have been written about in the Orange Conty Register and was mentioned Monday in the LA Times.

Today Christine and I issued an open invitation to Exodus leaders to meet privately with some of the survivors to hear our stories. If you know of any Exodus leaders, please feel free to send them to the link where we have posted the invitation and a pdf file of it.

Here is the text of the letter.

• Quote:

If you had the opportunity to meet with these leaders, what would you say?

hmmm ... wow, loaded question! I think the letter is great and I hope they accept your invitation. I think that having the opportunity to just share your hearts - like you said, not out of anger, but just from the position of truly wanting them to know the reality of your experience - would be an amazing thing. I think too often it becomes a debate about who is right and who is wrong - about the theology of it all. And what really matters are the people whose lives have been changed. It's important that they hear all sides of that change.

My thoughts and prayers will be with whoever ends up at this dinner - that it would bring healing to the hearts of those sharing their stories - regardless of the outcome or reaction from the leaders that attend.

• Peterson Said:

Thank you for your compassion in trying to help me/us. But we all know that "healing" does not occur. Even you are admitting that.

We also know that homosexuality as described in the Bible is not the same as we understand homosexuality. Like other issues (i.e. women and slavery) we have come to understand that there are higher principles (i.e. love for neighbor and equality of all humans) that supercede "cultural" morals of the past (i.e. the subjection of women and slavery). Why can't we understand in a more enlightened/reasoned age that homosexuality is only one of many possibilities of human development (i.e. races, sexes, handedness, eye color). We know that even in animal societies there have been homosexual developments so this not unique to humanity.

Finally -- why should the desires of two consenting adults be the concern of others. I understand that if an individual wants to attempt this that is fine, I myself attempted reparative therapy at one point, but if it doesn't work we should not make the individual feel guilty or helpless, we should do all we can to help them become all that they can be. We have done that for other groups (i.e. women and African-Americans). We should bring to bear all the pressure of society to help these individuals become all that they are created to be.

Later,

Marlin

I would want to share that masculinity and femininity are not a clear-cut mold. As a woman, I was made to feel consistently devalued by the focus on changing my appearance. It hurt so much when my straight friends' solutions to my being gay were to perform makeovers and take me shopping. I didn't expect the same treatment from people who were trying to help me grow into the person God created me to be.

Healing takes many shapes and forms. Celebrate true healings such as that from sexual abuse, broken relationships with parents restored, friendships strengthened as we learn to relate better to ourselves and others. But please, do not go fishing to praise healing where there really was none. Everyone's healing will look different, and the vast majority of the healing does not happen when someone's orientation changes if it changes at all.

I don't think you could say anything they haven't heard before. They know full well what our arguments are. Frankly, I'd call them to repentance. As kindly as possible.

I do think there is something they have not yet heard--our stories. They usually don't really know what happens to us once we leave their programs. The months and years of confusion, depression, lonilness and despair that many of us felt. The panic attacks, the self-doubts, the loss of faith, the fear of being hurt again.

The hard part is to be vulnerable in sharing our stories. To lay down our sword AND shield. The shield protects us, but by laying it down and showing our hearts, not our aruguments, they may hear a story they don't allow themselves to hear. That we experienced more harm than good under their care. We can then to outline what that looks like.

So let me reframe my question, If you had a chance to tell your story to these Exodus leaders, in what ways did your ex-gay experiences affect you?

I wish you a lot of luck with this. I hope you have a lot of patience, because I fear that even if both groups go in with the best of intentions, that it will be difficult to keep this from escalating.

Anyway, I think this is a very good idea, there are many times I wish I could talk to my old ex-gay friends, and wish them well, and let them know I´m ok. Kinda like an ex-boyfriend or girl-friend. You are no longer in love anymore, but you want to know they are doing alright.

David

As a transperson, it took me years to walk out of the shame and guilt I felt, as a result of growing up in the home of a S. Baptist minister (who was a very good Father, by the way) and living and breathing churches for most of my life. Until I could deal with who I was, I just lived a secret life and did not tell anyone. I was a minister in a conservative church for 5 years, and when leadership would tell us that no pastors should masturbate, I thought to myself, wow, that is the least of your problems with me.
But after years of therapy and seeking God's face as clearly as I could, I was able to leave the shame and guilt and be proud of who I was, and walk out of my secret life and into the light.
The LIGHT is better than I thought it would be.

So while I was never a part of an "ex-gay" ministry, the basic theories and principles taught there were preached at me for many years, and my own internalized transphobia and homophobia did the rest.
Thank you God, for setting me free from that.

• Peterson Said:

1) It made me suspicious of others to the point of anxiety.

2) I became the haughty "ex-gay" and made a major big deal about how superior I should feel vs the gay person out there in the world just trying to get by.

3) A major drain of time spent with counselors who could not even answer basic orientation questions, who then hid behind stories of success rather than address the question in front of them. People who really did not understand the basics of genetics and biology.

4) A growing resentment of the heterosexual Christians who could not and would not put themselves in my shoes or even do their own homework on the gay community and whether homosexually-oriented people could live a life pleaseing to God. They never got beyond what was preached from the pulpit or research scripture.

5) Gay people in the Christian community that were living hypocrisy in order to have their cake and eat it too.

6) Gay people who did not do their own homework regarding God and how they should conduct their lives as Christians.

7) Being led to believe something that eventually wrough a destructive outcome to many others who tried to becom ex-gay and ended up doing damage to themselves.

A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to meet with a leader of the ex-gay ministry I was in ten years ago. I shared how I felt the experience completely devastated me and that I felt worse off when I left than when I entered "the program". I mentioned that I felt my faith, masculinity, emotional, and sexual identity were undermined by the experience. I felt manipulated to pursue hetero-marriage even though that was not my goal. And I felt like I was responsible for my own failure to find healing and change.

I explained how I felt completely disillusioned with Christianity and understood that I was not "sexually whole" or developmentally healthy. I mentioned how I had to rebuild my identity, confidence, and life after the ex-gay experience. I mentioned that I sought counseling to rebuild myself and that it took several years to recover from the ex-gay experience.

To his credit, the ex-gay leader did apologize for his counseling technique. He said he counsels people much differently now, but didn't offer specifics. I mentioned that I wished they empowered participants to follow their own faith. He claimed that he does refer participants to gay-affirming groups and only wished such referrals were reciprocated by pro-gay groups.

Our two-hour meeting eventually dissolved into a circular discussion about his claims that there is no ex-gay "program" and that their ministry is about letting Christ heal people. I tried not to be argumentative and I thought we remained on friendly terms throughout. I'm not sure the discussion accomplished much, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to tell part of my story.

The thing that I would share with a leader of Exodus is to treat with better care those who come to their doors scared and confused because they've had that first realization of, "Holy crap...I'm sexually attracted to the same gender!", don't want those feelings and are in desparate need of some answers & comfort. I went to such a meeting and instead got told I had 'one leg over the fence' and was about to 'act out' on my desires when I had NO SUCH DESIRE. I left that meeting even more scared, more confused, and felt like I was a cheesy pick-up line away from sleeping with someone I'd barely met 30 minutes before.

I had been in counseling before for other things, and while I'd always left learning something or having been lead to a point of honestly looking at a particular aspect of myself it was never without fear and with hope that I was going through a process of healing in that aspect of my life. The ex-gay ministry did none of this for me and I never went back. It's by God's grace only that my Faith was able to bring me to a point of simply accepting myself completely and letting God work in every part of my life did I truly experience healing. Instead of learning that I was 'that close' to falling into sin, I learned that God can take my weaknesses and turn them into strengths, learn humility in a whole new way, and rely on Him more than I ever had before. I didn't and still don't want to have same-sex attraction, but I don't see how I could have learned the spiritual lessons I did any other way. And sadly, while it's the ex-gay ministries' hope and desire for me to have this level of spiritual growth I never would have gotten it from them. I'm content to lead a celibate life as a bisexual woman, serving God and leaning on Him daily, and being more of the willing servant He has called me to be. Again, a point that I would never have reached had I stayed in the ex-gay ministry. And I think that's the saddest commentary one can have about another who shares my Faith.

• Peterson Said:

Well apparently my experience is quite different than most of ya'lls...

I would thank them for providing a place where for the first time I could be real with people who loved me. They didnt always agree with my actions or thoughts but some of them have become life long friends. I never found that in the church at large.

I would also saw that the reason I liked the exgay ministry I was a part of is because it wasn't political and didnt get sidetracked on issues that wern't core to their mission. Though I dont necessarily believe in change the exgay ministry provided an arena for me to dig deep into my heart and deal with issues which help me to be a better follower of Christ... despite my orientation.

And for that I am thankful.

I havemt had the opportunity yet to attend any ex-gay event, but I hope I can find one sometime down the road. I believe in seeing both sides of the issues. I have looked into the gay aspect and now I would like to see the ex gay point of view. Problem is there are very few Ex gay ministries in my area.

I don't think Ihave the personal strength to attend an ex-gay meeting without crying, or yelling. God bless you who are strong enough.

I wonder if there is some kind of ex gay exhibition sorta like a job fair type of thing where they have booths set up and you can walk around the booths and ask questions,pick up brochures?

• BudW Said:

Yeah... I don’t think I would characterize that as a “problem”... instead I think you should count your blessings...

The thing is I want to explore it for myself to see what it is all about. I cant speak ill of something I dont know of.

Bud- There is alot of information about Exodus on the internet.

I know, but reading about them and experiencing them are 2 different things.