Today is the day for New Direction's "Bridging the Gap" synchroblog.

For those of you visiting GCN for the first time, welcome. We are The Gay Christian Network, a nonprofit organization serving the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) Christian community and their loved ones. We also work with churches, families, and others who want to understand the issues better. You can learn more about us by clicking here.

I'm Justin Lee, GCN's executive director, and this "gcn blog" is a forum on our message board where I and a few other people blog about events going on with GCN. We have over 100 other forums available to registered members, where they can share stories, pray for one another, and just hang out.

Now to the regular readers of this space, I should explain that New Direction is an organization in Canada that is seeking to build bridges between the gay and Christian communities. You can learn more about them by listening to the GCN Radio interview we did with Wendy Gritter.

Today, New Direction is conducting a "synchroblog" where people all over the 'net are blogging about bridging the gap between gays and Christians. A list of participants is on their website.

So much for the introductions...!

Some wonderful people are blogging today about how to build these bridges. That's awesome! I have no doubt that as we read one another's thoughts, we'll all be inspired and feel really good about going out and building some bridges.

But what happens tomorrow?

Or next week?

Or next year?

If all of us on both sides are serious about building some bridges (and if you're reading this, I'm going to assume that you are), then we've got to figure out a way to really incorporate this into the fabric of our lives, not to be forgotten when the next exciting idea rolls around.

We must become "bridgers."

So while you're reading this and all excited about the idea of building bridges, I'm going to encourage you to make a commitment. Right here, right now. Commit yourself to become a bridger.

Here are several things you can do right now to make a difference.


Reach out.

First, stop and think: Are there people in your life whom you would like to build a bridge with? If you're LGBT, are there Christians you'd like to have a better relationship with? If you're a Christian, do any LGBT people come to mind? If you're LGBT and Christian, are there people whose theological view is different from your own?

Think of a few people you'd like to bridge to. If you can't think of anyone in your life, then maybe your goal is to find some. (Straight Christians, if you're looking to meet some gay people, I'm happy to introduce you to some!)

Okay, got your people or goal in mind? Now, decide today that you will reach out to those people in some concrete way. Call them and say hello. Put something on your calendar. Do something that's going to continue to affect you after today is over.

The phone call you make today could lead to an awesome bridging experience down the road.


Get resources.

Here's something simple you can do. Pick up some bridge-building resources like New Direction's Bridging the Gap DVD set and GCN's DVD Through My Eyes.

Both are designed specifically to help begin dialogue between gays and Christians.

Not only are those resources great for watching yourself or giving to someone to help spark a dialogue, but also, it's a great way to support organizations like New Direction and GCN that are working hard to bridge those gaps on a large scale.

Have other resources to recommend? Post them in the comments!


Join a group.

Your voice may be small, but if you speak up along with others, you can have a bigger impact than you ever imagined. Obviously, getting connected with New Direction and GCN is one way to do this, but there are other ways as well.

A group of straight Christians with a heart for bridging is starting to meet behind the scenes to discuss things they can do as a group. If you'd like to be involved, you can contact Wendy over at New Direction or just send me an e-mail at justin (at) gaychristian (dot) net with the subject line "I'd like to help bridge" and I'll put you in touch with them.


Practice it.

Ultimately, of course, the best thing any of us can do is to not just talk about bridging, but actively do it in our daily lives. Once you've made those calls, gotten the resources, joined the groups, blogged in the synchroblog, and whatever else, it's still up to you to build bridges in your life.

That means that when you encounter people who see the world differently than you do, you resist the urge to tell them why they're wrong, and instead, you purposefully build a relationship.

This morning, I had an awesome conversation with a straight guy who grew up in the same conservative, Southern Baptist church as I did. Both of us grew up believing that homosexuality is a sin and that being gay was a choice, not an orientation.

Then, of course, I realized I was gay.

This morning was one of the first times he and I had ever sat down to talk about it. We don't agree on a lot of things, but we're still friends. The experience reminded me, though, how hard it can be to have those conversations. He thinks I'm sinning; I think he's misguided. It would be easier for us to walk away from the friendship and just spend time with others who agree with us. It would also be easy to lecture one another and walk away feeling smug. But instead, we've decided to work through that tension.

Since this blog is getting long, I'll wrap up with my advice for those of you who want to work through that tension in your own lives. Here are my four steps to successful conversations across the gap:

1. Listen. Really listen to what they have to say. Try to understand why they feel what they do and what's really motivating them. ("Because she's a jerk," and "Because he's completely turning from God," aren't usually good answers.)

2. Ask questions. If you don't understand, ask. Don't ask accusatory questions like, "How can you possibly justify..." Instead, ask your questions in ways designed to put the other person at ease. Ask how they feel about things and what it looks like from their side of the fence. Ask if they've ever wrestled with their position and how they feel about the conversation you're having with them. You might be surprised at what comes up.

3. Share your story. When it's your turn to talk, tell stories. Talk about your struggles and obstacles. Tell how you came to be interested in this discussion and why. Instead of focusing on your position, tell how you came to that position. The more they can relate to you, the better you'll be able to understand one another in the midst of disagreement.

4. Be humble. You don't know it all. As human beings, we're all fallible, and if you keep that always in mind, it will help you have a better attitude when talking to someone who disagrees with you.

The more you practice these things, the more they become second nature, and the more you'll find that people want to hear what you have to say.

--Justin

P.S. This blog entry is also posted on our Facebook page.

• GCN Justin said:

This is so true. It's so much easier for people to respond when we share a story with them instead of a debate. I've had awesome conversations with people which would normally be shouting matches, except that we both lay down our swords for a few moments and just connected as people by sharing our stories.

Thanks for this Justin. I participated in this synchro-blog too. If you go to the BTG home page and scroll down on the list of bloggers, I'm

mr. grape

Hi Justin,

I can tell .. you're more like a motivational speaker. You're right. I hope people do more then just talk about bridging the gap but actually be more pro-active with it.

The question I have as I've been reading through many blogs on this Synchroblog as I've been participating in it ....

How can I continue to hold firm to my conservative view of scriptures and still bridge the gap?

The Gay Christian view is contrary to mine but I still want to learn how I could bridge the gap with my friends, co-workers, and colleagues who are gay. I think I'm doing not too bad because my friends are stickin around.

I'm not preachy and I'm relational. But will an ex-gay ministry always be incapable of bridging the gap?

I'm always for engaging with another person from within their world but in bridging the gap shouldn't people be willing to engage with me in my world too?

When looking for ways to bridge the gap Side A folk want to bridge the gap but is it always on Side A terms and conditions?

By Gay Affirming I mean to say I believe in Pro-Gay theology when in fact it's contradictory to my understanding of scriptures. With that in mind, do I have to be Gay Affirming to bridge the gap? Why?

These are some of the tough questions I have and would like to work through.

Sincerely,
SJ<><

Hi SJ and welcome to GCN!

As a member of the Side B community on GCN, I wanted to address some of your concerns. I participated in ex-gay ministry for over 4 years before coming to GCN. I got involved with ex-gay ministry because people told me I needed to be healed before I could serve in the church in any capacity. When I admitted I struggled with same-sex attractions, my church asked me to leave the worship team, stop hosting Bible study in my home, and only participate in prayer ministry if I had someone else there to pray with me for the person we were praying for. At the same time, the church required service on various ministry teams in order to qualify for membership in the church. Because I hinted that I dealt with this issue, I was placed on a track similar to people who were new to the church. We had a lot of seekers there.

For seekers the trajectory went like this:
Attend an Alpha course --> Begin a relationship with Christ --> Get matched with a ministry team --> Become full members of the church.

For me the trajectory went like this:
Attend the healing ministry --> Become straight --> Get matched with a ministry team --> Become full members of the church.

The Alpha course lasted 8 weeks at the church, but the church deemed that significant preparation for leadership in the church. Same-sex attracted people spent 5 years or more working through the healing ministry trying to become straight.

It did not matter if same-sex attracted people pursued celibate lives. They had to become straight. And really the only evidence that was generally accepted in the church as proof that one had become straight was that one got married to a person of the opposite sex. Such orientation of the church alienated even the heterosexual single people in my old church.

One night God spoke to me, lying on my bed at a summer camp as I continued to wrestle with these issues. He asked me if He accepted me as a full person when I first came to Him 10 years before. That night, I realized that to give God my everything, I had to give Him my good, my bad, and my ugly as it existed in my life today. I couldn't keep holding my whole self back from God because I needed to "fix" my being gay.

I think that two men cannot marry each other in a Christian marriage (the same holds for two women). But I understand that people struggle with sin. I don't want to be in a church that expects everyone to be perfect in order to participate in the life of the church. We all fall short of the glory of God. I want a church that permits me to darken the doorstep and focus on Christ first instead of inviting me to gaze at my navel and tear my soul apart to wrench out any same-sex sexual temptation I may have. I want my church to help me be accountable with my actions, but action and temptation are very different things.

Grace and peace,
Lindsey

I am so sorry that was your experience. I do pray for a day that people coming into church who should also be gay be treated a lot different.

My experience with church leadership was different then my experience with the members of the church.

The church leaders were different from the members of the church. I was a member in good standing from the age of 19 and up until I left that church just a few short years ago. I was not ex-communicated or demoted because of same gender attraction. And I was not demoted or hindered from being involved in ministry with the church because of it either.

My Pastor and his wife became my greatest advocates and affirmed me both privately and publicly. It's too bad the members of the church didn't clue into this. I left the church because there were more people (with the exception of those in leadership) who were debating whether or not I was a Christian then those who were willing to be in relationship with me.

It is for that reason I seek first to be i relationship.

I'm involved in an inner-healing prayer discipleship for those who seek an alternative to homosexuality. I'm not expected to strive for the removal of same gender attraction but while being in leadership there is an expectation of having a standard by which I live my life, a moral code of ethics that I have to agree to live by.

I do strive for whole heterosexuality but it's also my belief that I can do that even while being attracted to the same gender.

I should say it's more like this ...

My first objective is my relationship with Jesus Christ and secondary is His healing work in my life and which there is no time limit by which that healing will occur and the change I'm seeing in my life is gradual. I do see some change but my belief is that sanctification is an instantaneous work of the Spirit given at salvation and yet also a process that takes a life time. And it is by grace I live and walk out my salvation knowing that it might look a little different then most people on this forum. For me, it involves walking away from the homosexual lifestyle. Maybe in my bridging the gap the learning curve is learning how to effectively communicate that.

Unfortunately it sounds like it was a very legalistic and not so grace-filled church you were apart of.

Thanks for sharing with me your story I appreciate it. It's difficult to work through hurt caused by the church. I not only come from a Transgendered background but I'm also an Aboriginal woman. I know the pain caused by the church in so many different ways and it's for a lot of reason most difficult to recovery from because I think being hurt by the church causes more confusion then having to somehow reckon with one's sexual orientation and their faith.

Blessings!

SJ<><

Justin, I am so thankful that you did the interview with Wendy Gritter, and turned me onto the BTG synchroblog event. It's two days later, and I'm still only about a quarter of the way through the posts. I read something, I feel the need to respond, and all of a sudden it's, "Where did the time GO?..."

Sarah, so terribly many of us have had Lindsey's experience. Still others have had the experience of not being rejected - but never really being accepted, either. I was always welcome to pitch in and work - park cleanups, serving dinners, etc. But when it came to singing in choir, being a part of worship teams, teaching... nope, don't need any help there. (Even when announcements were made the same day in services that help was needed.)

Thank God for the GCN Welcoming Churches database, which led my partner and I to a joyfully welcoming and affirming church here in Champaign. It feels like finding an oasis after five years of walking in the desert.

God bless you, Justin, and everyone who helps make GCN a place of welcome and safety for gay Christians. As Ray Boltz's song says, "I am a life who was changed."

SJ,

Thanks for your additional thoughts

I think the biggest thing about Bridging the Gap in these conversations is to remember that we do not all come from the same background or are doing the same thing.

For instance, the idea of "leaving the homosexual lifestyle" really does not have currency for me. I don't know what this means. Yet, if I was a person where "the homosexual lifestyle" met cruising gay bars and having anonymous sex, then living that lifestyle would make sense (but I think that I would rather the person say "I want to stop going to the bars to hook up" because I know plenty of heterosexual people who could say that too if ever given the desire to repent).

Yet I can certainly relate to the desire to want to look myself in the mirror and know I am a beloved daughter of God. I know that any number of things challenge us to see ourselves in this light.

Glad you found GCN,
Lindsey

Hi Sarah,

I would love to have a private conversation with you about bridging and ex-gay ministries. I think there's a lot we could talk about, some of which might not be appropriate for GCN's public space, but which is vital conversation nonetheless.

I'll send you a private message.

--Justin

Thank you for sharing all of you. I really appreciated your responses. Hearing from you in regards to some of my questions has been integral to my own 'bridging'

Thanks again.

And Justin, I hope we can continue to talk through some of this 'bridging' and how it might look like or how I might be able to 'bridge' more effectively from my side.

SJ,
I think you and Justin will likely have a great conversation.

The oar I'll put in is that ex-gay ministries are so tarnished, carry so much baggage in the eyes of many gay Christians (including myself), that even the ones that have moved signficantly (New Direction and Courage Trust as examples) are still eyed with suspicion and hostility by many.

I'll leave it there. There's lots more to explore along that vein.

Blessings,

Mark