GCN Conference Testimonies - January 8, 2005
Transcribed by Vombatus

Click here to listen to the audio of these testimonies.

Intro:
Hi, this is Justin, Executive Director of GCN. GCN had its first annual conference in January, 2005, and if you missed it, it was awesome! We were in Dallas, Texas in a church called Grace Fellowship in Christ Jesus, and on the last evening of the conference, I asked individuals who would be willing to do so to come up to the front and share their testimonies with the rest of the group. I was totally unprepared for how amazing the testimonies were, and so we wanted to share some of those with you. So what you're about to hear is a thirty minute excerpt of some of the wonderful testimonies that we heard at the 2005 GCN conference. I hope you enjoy.

Testimony 1:
I'll be the one who goes first. I found GCN about, I guess probably two years ago now. GCN has done so much for me. It has increased my faith. It has encouraged me. I get to see other people who are going through the same things that I'm going through. I get to see that I'm not alone, and it's so good to know that you're not alone. Jesus said he'll never leave you nor forsake you, and I believe that, but I don't see him, you know, sometimes I don't feel like I can feel him, but Jesus reaches out to each and every one of us through each other and sometimes we're the only Jesus that people see. And so I praise God for GCN. I don't think I've ever been a part of anything that's so important or that's so much going to change the world.

Testimony 2:
My testimony is probably a little different. I've had a really blessed life. I've been a Christian for thirty years. God blessed me with a born-again partner for fifteen years, and in the spring of 2003 he fell to his death in a hiking accident and that was bad enough, but it took four months to find the body. It sent me into an incredible depression and I was really in bad shape. On March 30th of 2004 I was led to type in 'gay Christian' and I found GCN. I found this incredible body of people that loved me and supported all of the hurt and pain that I was going through. In August I came out of this depression at the northwest retreat for GCN, and my life is completely different. My family didn't really know how to react. They knew Stevie and I and loved us both and felt bad for me. The gay community felt bad for me but they didn't have any prayer support, and then I found this community which gave me everything I needed. And I thank God for every one of you and for this affirming church. Thank you, all, so much. There's a lot of hurt and pain out there and I just thank God that I can be a part of this.

Testimony 3:
Well, it was about June of 2002 when I first found GCN. And at that time I was at the place that many of us are at one time or another in our walk with the Lord where I was torn between two things I didn't think could fit together. The church was very consistent in saying that you cannot be a Christian and be gay. And on the other hand, I knew that that wasn't something I could change. I'd been struggling with being gay for four years at that time, and no matter what I had done, no matter how hard I had cried to God, I had come to the realization that this is not something that may change. And so from both sides it was kind of the same message that you have to choose one or the otherÑyou have to choose to either be a gay person or to be a Christian. And that was not a choice that I could make. I knew from my personal experience and my personal life, and from seeing God move in my life, that God was real and my relationship with God was real and how was that just something that I could turn my back on? I couldn't do it. But at the same time, I couldn't deny the fact that I was gay. It was there and it was not something that I could get away from. When I found GCN I had been searching for anybody else out there who was making this thing work; who was making being gay and being Christian, making that work. Every website that I had seen was the kind of thing where it was very accepting and very loving and 'yes, of course you're okay with God', all this kind of stuff, but it wouldn't get into why. It didn't answer my questions, it didn't discuss how did you get to this thing, just blanket statements of acceptance. I wasn't ready to hear that yet because I needed to hear, "well, show me that in scripture, not just because that's the way you feel". I need more than personal experience, I need scripture to back me up. I need to feel that relationship with God and still have that. And when I got to GCN and I saw this debate going on between Ron and Justin. Ron, who many of you know, and others as well, who were debating "You can be Christian and you can be gay, but of course you need to be celibate the whole way through." And Justin, who said, "Well, I think that God can bless two people that love each other and commit to each other the rest of their lives." But it was a very theological discussion that was just scripture and scripture and scriptureÑit was such a wonderful thing! And I was so excited and I remember going into chat the first night being on cloud nine that I had finally found people who it was obvious that they loved God and that they were striving and seeking that relationship with God and that that wasn't going to take a back seat. That's exactly what I needed, so I just have to say thank you so much, Justin, for just listening to what God was having you do, and being willing to do that. You know, he was just up here thanking us a minute ago for being here, and I'm like, without you, none of us would be here! So thank you so much, Justin, and GCN has just meant so much for me and it helped me through that time where I came to realize, yes, you can be gay and you can be Christian and you can be wholeheartedly both and it works, and God still loves me.

Testimony 4:
Hi, my name's Edison, and I'm a GCNer. [laughter] You know, I had the whole reconciling my Christianity and my sexuality sometime back but I had not found a community until about a year ago. I mean, I had known people at various churches and whatnot and had been part of various churches, but I tended to move a lot and I didn't have a solid base of people. The only thing that I had that was constant in life was Jesus Christ. Thank you! About a year ago I came across GCN. It was an amazing to find a group like this, but I was in the process at the time and shortly after that of having to make a move in my life to rectify and take care of some stuff from my past that meant I was going to have to walk through something very difficult. I found myself walking through it in obedience knowing that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing because doing anything else would've been a lie. And I found myself in downtown Los Angeles with a bag of clothes and I had forgotten my Bible. So I got myself into a library, and the first time I asked I had a place to stay at the time that I needed a Bible so I asked someone for a Bible. All of a sudden I got a couple of Bibles, then a couple more. And so I was hanging out one day at a soup line and I had the Bibles in my bag, and I was sitting there reading a Bible and someone asked me about it. So I started talking to them about it and found out they didn't have one so I gave it to them. And then it happened again and again. And the Bibles still kept coming. And the next thing you know, I've seen people come to the Lord through this and whatnot, through handing out Bibles to the homeless and the addicted on skid row in Los Angeles. So GCN is bringing people to the Lord by sending those Bibles, and I'm now busy with that all the time and I'm blessed every day that I can do that for someone, and it wouldn't have happened if one of you had not replied with the Bible. Thank you.

Testimony 5:
Hello, I'm Jesse, and I'm a GCNer. I found GCN in September of 2003. I was going to a small, very conservative Christian college in northwestern Indiana. I'd been struggling with the idea of me being gay for a couple of years. And I'd finally gotten to this point after being in a relationship with this guy. The entire time I was in a relationship with him, I was like, "No, I'm not gay just in a relationship with another guy." [laughter] But I'd just gotten out of that, and I'd gone back to school after the summer, and I was really, really, really depressed because I couldn't reconcile the two. I mean, if you were gay you couldn't be Christian, if you were Christian you couldn't be gay. And I was really, really depressed and really, really suicidal. One night I was just lying in bed, crying myself to sleep and I remember thinking to myself there's three options here, because I'm gay there's nothing I can do about that. I've prayed to God every single night for three years. I've cried myself to sleep every night asking God to change me and it's not working. I'm gay and that's the way it is. And so I said there's three options, either I'm gay and the Bible's right and I'm going to Hell because I'm an evil homosexual but there's nothing I can do about that, so I might as well just kill myself and go right to Hell and not worry about it, and not have to deal with this life anymore. Or, secondly, maybe there is no God and Christianity is just a bunch of hogwash. Up to that point I always said that if there's no God then my life is meaningless, because I mean, Jesus is the one who's always been there for me and God has always been my strength and if there's no God then I might as well just kill myself and get it all over with. Or there's some way that these two can be connected in some way, shape, or form.

So I went to Google and I typed in "gay + Christian" and I find GCN and I signed up and I remember, because all of the submissions were manual and had to be processed by hand, and I had submitted my name and my password and it was a day or two and I hadn't gotten anything back and I was like, my password was 'sexyboy' or something like that and I thought, "Oh no! I used an evil password, they're not going to let me into their group! They saw my dirty password and they're not going to let me join!" [laughter] And the next day I tried to log in and they'd let me join. That semester was really, really hard for me because I ended up coming out to myself and finding GCN and then I had to come out to all my friends at school. I had to be careful because of my parents and I didn't want them to find out the wrong way. And I eventually came out to my parents, and after I came out to my parents, it was like, "You know, I really don't care, I'm just going to come out to everybody." At a conservative Christian school it's not really the smartest idea and I got called into the dean's office more than several times. They tried and tried and tried to convince me to give up this whole gay thing, and I said, "No, I'm not going to do it", so they said, "Okay, we can either kick you out, or you can leave on your own." And so I left and that was probably the most depressing Christmas of my entire life. It was really hard, and the people that were there for me were the people at GCN. It was the people that I had talked to in the chats and that I had instant messaged and that I had talked to on the message boards... those were the people that had kept me several times from killing myself. Those were the people who helped me out of my depression, who helped me realize how much God loves me and get back to that point where I had been before.

And I just want to make one other comment after that, and it's that this church is absolutely amazing. Because when I came out, it was like, Yes, I'd gotten to the point where it was like 'yes I'm gay and yes I'm Christian', but even in the past year and several months that I've been out to myself I'd always kind of wondered in the back of my head, you know, I was at this church where God was real and there were people that I really, really respected there and the Holy Spirit was there and so many powerful things happened there and so many people got saved and God was definitely there, and yet every single person that I respected in that church would tell me that being gay is evil and sin and that I'm going to Hell unless I repent. And it's always kind of been in the back of my mind, you know, maybe I'm just deceiving myself, maybe we're just a bunch of wack-o's out here who areÑyou know, because I'm a pretty conservative personÑmaybe we're just a bunch of crazy liberals who are just bending the scripture to say whatever we want to. Because I've never felt the Holy Spirit touch me since I've come out to myself, and last night when we were here and we were praying the Holy Spirit was here with us in this room and I could feel Him touch my heart and I could feel His power in here and it was just the most amazing thing because I've never felt that since I've come out. I've never felt God touch me since I've made the quote-unquote "decision" to be gay and not try to fight it. And so that was just really, really meaningful and so I just want to thank you guys for being here and for allowing us to come in here and to share your church environment with us. Thank you very much.

Testimony 6:
You hear everyone talk and you feel like your life is mirrored in each person to a certain degree. I spent thirty years trying to change, and I've read all the books, by Leann Payne and Andy Comisky and been part of Desert Stream and Exodus, and hear Sy Rogers and everyone who said you could change. And I never looked at gay theology. For thirty years, it was off the wall. And in August of 2003, I finally said to God one day, "I can't do this any more". That set a certain path, a set of circumstances that I had no idea what was up ahead and I'm glad He didn't show me, otherwise I probably would've just stuck where I was. I'd been married twenty years, have three great boys, and that decision in August of '03 set in motion a whole set of circumstances that resulting in a loss of a theatre company, separation from my wife, ostracism from people that I loved and respected in a church very similar to Pensacola, Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship. Another church totally full of God and that emphasizes so strongly, and that I was very blessed in for five years, as afar as the Father heart of God goes. And yet I was starting to experience something that was totally unexpected because at the time I came out, for years I'd really been searching for that connection of God's love in here [pointing at head] to get it down here [pointing at heart]. And when I came out, it moved the twelve inches. And for years I'd hit ministry and deliverance and counseling and been to conferences and like I said reading the books and it didn't work. So then I walked the path of being told I was deceived and in a grave spiritual place and having to talk to the pastors and being threatened with things.

And I found GCN in about September of that year. I'd never looked at gay theology, as I said, and so I went to Google and typed in "gay theology, gay Christian" and found your web page, and thought, "Oh man!". And I'd looked at other web pages and there was something about them I didn't like, and when I'd come across your web page there was a Spirit of Christ there that I hadn't experienced in any of the others. It was amazing. And I know what God feels like, and I thought, "This guy really knows God and he knows God's love and I'm going to listen to what he has to say". And if it hadn't been for GCN, I don't know where I'd be. I'd gone through in the last thirty years all the rubbishÑI'd tried to commit suicide, but hadn't been successful, done all the things in self-hatred that you do, and people would say, "You've got a fabulous ministry and blah, blah, blah...you do this or do that." But I was always thwarted because of this thing, and finally it's like I'm returning to an aspect of truth. About four of the worship songs I couldn't sing tonight, and I know them all and we used to sing them at the Toronto church, but I couldn't sing them. It was too painful because of what I've been through with the church there, but to be in a church like this where they were sung and it touched my heart, you have no idea what that does to me. And to be with a group of gay Christians that put Christ first rather than the 'gay' first and so spend all their time talking about being gay and how we need to stand up for our rights and we need to do this... [applause] it's the thing that it's all about. So, I don't have words to thank you, Justin, because if it wasn't for you, none of us would be here and I don't know where I'd be, I don't know what the situation that I'd be in. But I want to finish by saying that I spent years looking at people like us and saying that we were the deceived ones and we were the evil ones and we were the ones walking in darkness, and when I saw the darkness come through people I respected, it was really difficult. And that's not to say that God's not with them, He is, but I realize that God uses all of us as pretty broken vessels. But I want to say to each one of you and I say it to myself, that we are the brave ones and we are the ones that God has taken by our hand and has led us on a difficult path, but because we've been prepared to say "yes," then He's with us. So I wanted to say that we are the ones that will keep on going even though it is difficult, if we keep on going there will come a time when things will come easier, but when you're pioneers it's always hard. Thanks.

Testimony 7:
I have the Kleenex because my allergies are really bothering me. [laughter] You know, the Lord has always been in my life. I have a wonderful family... my mom actually wanted to come this weekend, but I didn't have anyone to watch my dog, so... [laughter] I'm horrible! I've always had a wonderful family, I've always had great friends, I've always been very successful, there was just that one little thing. And I went, "God, am I going to be alone the rest of my life?" Holidays were always the most difficult. Y'all know what I'm going to say, so I'm not going to say it, but I think that was the most amazing holiday I ever had was this last year, because I was not alone. And, you're not alone in Christ, obviously, I always had God in me, but here in the physical realm, here in the flesh it was difficult being alone, sitting in that room.

What was amazing was, when I did my introduction I mentioned the first time I talked to Justin and actually I want to try and clean that up a little bit. The reason why we were both smiling is that the first time we did talk was when I went to Gay Days at Walt Disney World. I'd never been there before, I'd didn't know anything about it, all I had heard was that it was families. And I went, "Ahh! For the first time I might be able to see people like myself!" A couple of days before I left, I had just, on a whim, Googled "gay and Christian" and saw GCN. So I signed up but didn't really see why I was singing up for it. It's amazing how God has reasons for everything ["that's right!"] because four or five days later I'm at Gay Days, and no judgment on anybody who was there or who would go to any of the different events, but I saw some things that just did not sit well with me. And at one point I was sitting in my hotel room crying because I love Disney so much and I said, "If I can't find somebody like myself at Disney World, how am I ever going to get through the holidays every year? It's just going to be me and my mom and my dog, and maybe that's okay." And then I got a phone call from a number, I was like "919? Who is this?" [laughter] It was Justin. Justin goes "Hey, how's it going?!" And I faked it, I was like, "I'm blessed! I'm having the greatest time of my life." Ten minutes into the conversation, I broke down and I was like, you wouldn't believe the things I see going on here. And Justin said, "You know what? That's not okay, I'm going to pray with you right now." And that was my introduction to GCN, and when I got home...[applause] Now since then, all I ever do is post about the Golden Girls and Harry Potter and... I'm like in the movies and books section. But I read everything y'all write and I'm blessed with all the prayers and all the testimonies that you have given this evening, it's just so wonderful. But like I said, what was amazing was that God knew I was going to need Christians to intercede for me and pray for me because I just did notÑI mean, the measure of faith has been given to us that we needÑI just did not have the strength at that moment, and I needed another Christian to step in for me. And then obviously, I was just bawling my eyes out when Jesse was talking about being in a church, because I'm from a charismatic background, and I have never been in a charismatic church where I could sit with the man that I love and pray and hold my hands up at the same time. I remember one time Justin and I were talking and there were different challengesÑyou were dealing with the IRS and other sorts of thingsÑand I just remember thinking to myself, "If you only affected one person's life, if your work and your sacrifice only touched one person, if you only did one thing in the rest of your life, you helped me through that moment and it's changed the course of my life." So God bless you.

Testimony 8:
I'm going to make this real quick. My name is Laura, and I don't know a lot of you all, because I'm not a GCNer... and I'm sorry about that. I've known Danny for years and I love Danny so much and I remember when he started talking about GCN and he was so excited and would say all these things. I'd listen and I was like, "Oh wow! That's great, Danny! That's great!", but I never really looked at it because we get very busy in our own lives and stuff. And I'm sorry because I'm going to start looking at it more, I am. Because I'm so excited, God is doing such an awesome thing here! And I'm so excited because of the obedience that you have walked and that you have done... every time you felt that God said do something or you felt this tugging... I mean, look at all the people that are being blessed, and all the people that were on the brink of losing complete hope, and, Honey, I just wanted to hug you! You're pulling on my momma's heartstrings so bad. I was just telling Danny, "I just want to hug him!" Because, I mean, that is the fruit. And when you talk about things, things that are important and that justify God being in things it's the fruit. Jesus said, "Look at the fruit, look at the fruit!" And this is the fruit. No pun intended, this is the fruit! [laughter] And this is SO awesome and I'm so excited and we're all so blessed to be here. And I didn't really have as hard of a time as a lot of the people that I'm hearing the stories about their coming out because I am Pastor Tony and Pastor Craig's youngest daughter. My older sister came out before I did, so we're a whole family of them, so by the time I did it was just like old hat and my mom was like she wasn't even going to touch my little brother because everything she touched turned gay! [laughter] So I said, You're fine with him, it's okay. But I am married to a lovely southern Baptist woman and have Southern Baptist in-laws so I can identify on that aspect. I do want to say that this has touched me so much hearing your stories and getting to see you and seeing how broad this is reaching. I mean, this is pulling together people that thought they were alone in all the different places of the world and thought, "I am going through this by myself." To know that you're not going through this by yourself, you have a family in this whole world. All across the world there are people to support you and to help you through things and this is just awesome. This is so awesome to sit and hear your stories and to know that we are all connected. Because this was Jesus' vision that we all be connected and that we all be one and that we all help each other and that there isn't division, there isn't separation. And this is awesome to see, and I thank you for being here, and for coming here and blessing all of us.